Food.

I'm going to explore my feelings here for a moment.

I have class at 1:00 tomorrow. A tutorial, which requires very little work on my end. I've read all the reading, meaning I hung out with two of my friends tonight. One of them is going to be my Edinburgh Bestie (TM), I can tell already, but one of them I'm not so sure about. Anyway, I got a little tipsy and walked myself home. I saw it--a chip shop. I needed them to live, just then. It's a hard feeling to explain.

The man gave me more than a supersize order, and I figured, I'm going to eat all of this. And I just did.

I am feeling remorse after eating those.

I had an egg in a basket for breakfast. I had a bit of a tablet for mid-morning snack. Tea and coffee (with milk!), I had several times today. A gin and tonic. A latte. Soup and a piece of bread. Peanut butter toast. Pasta. 2 cans of cider. An eraser sized slice of cake.

Always, I try to rationalize what I've eaten, as if eating too much were some kind of mortal sin. I say to myself, "I didn't have that much lunch today. I'm hungry right now." But then I fear the fat that's seeping it's way into my stomach, into my thighs, increasing my already apparent (read: three millimeter) stretch marks and adding to my cellulite. Successful people don't have cellulite. Beautiful people don't have stretch marks.

I look at my stomach and am disgusted by that centimeter of pudgle, the thing that proves I have fun, and enjoy living,experiencing this beautiful country and it;s heavy, heavy food. I look at my face and see nothing but my cheeks and (not there) double chin. I worry that my eating habits (of now) will catch up to me at some point in the future and I'll be miserable and lonely forever. Because God knows fat people don't exist in the United States...

Jesus Christ. Is this really what I've done to myself? Am I really thinking of food and my twisted relationship with it all the time? Do I really think, if I get thinner (and, frankly, in my body, scary-bony) I'll have achieved some sort of perfection?

I've been thinking this way since I was fourteen.

If that's not messed up, I don't know what is.