Food.

I'm going to explore my feelings here for a moment.

I have class at 1:00 tomorrow. A tutorial, which requires very little work on my end. I've read all the reading, meaning I hung out with two of my friends tonight. One of them is going to be my Edinburgh Bestie (TM), I can tell already, but one of them I'm not so sure about. Anyway, I got a little tipsy and walked myself home. I saw it--a chip shop. I needed them to live, just then. It's a hard feeling to explain.

The man gave me more than a supersize order, and I figured, I'm going to eat all of this. And I just did.

I am feeling remorse after eating those.

I had an egg in a basket for breakfast. I had a bit of a tablet for mid-morning snack. Tea and coffee (with milk!), I had several times today. A gin and tonic. A latte. Soup and a piece of bread. Peanut butter toast. Pasta. 2 cans of cider. An eraser sized slice of cake.

Always, I try to rationalize what I've eaten, as if eating too much were some kind of mortal sin. I say to myself, "I didn't have that much lunch today. I'm hungry right now." But then I fear the fat that's seeping it's way into my stomach, into my thighs, increasing my already apparent (read: three millimeter) stretch marks and adding to my cellulite. Successful people don't have cellulite. Beautiful people don't have stretch marks.

I look at my stomach and am disgusted by that centimeter of pudgle, the thing that proves I have fun, and enjoy living,experiencing this beautiful country and it;s heavy, heavy food. I look at my face and see nothing but my cheeks and (not there) double chin. I worry that my eating habits (of now) will catch up to me at some point in the future and I'll be miserable and lonely forever. Because God knows fat people don't exist in the United States...

Jesus Christ. Is this really what I've done to myself? Am I really thinking of food and my twisted relationship with it all the time? Do I really think, if I get thinner (and, frankly, in my body, scary-bony) I'll have achieved some sort of perfection?

I've been thinking this way since I was fourteen.

If that's not messed up, I don't know what is.

this is the sixth time I've seen this dude.

Oh hot guy with a mullet, sitting at the table adjacent to mine
I see you there, staring at your computer with the awesome cover/case--
Are you British, Mullet Guy? Is your affinity for red plaid and hiking boots ironic?
Did you match your ear buds to your books on purpose?
It is alright, Mullet Guy. Keep on being pretty.

(shamefully ripped off)

Bragahahaaaa

I think this is the second post I've titled with an anguished noise.

Today I have a presentation on Sayyid Ahmad Khan. 10 minutes on this great modernist's life and ideas. I will be the sacrificial lamb to this class, seeing as I volunteered (stupid) to be the first one (stupider) to give a 20% of the grade presentation (STUPIDEST).

He will be lenient. He will have mercy. I certainly hope so.

I make it a point to leave the house every day by 9:30 AM, so I can dick around in the library for a while.

I need some tea. Will get on that.

Starting tomorrow I'm going on a diet.

This weekend was an epic weekend.

At 5:30 PM on friday, we all met in front of Pollack Halls to board the bus for Shap, a place that was unknown to most of us, and that I had only googled five minutes prior. The bus ride over was amazingly beautiful, pastoral, green, with many, many frolicking sheep. We got to the car park as I realized I had underpacked like whoa, as I was freezing. We (two other people and I) met our homestay parents, Brian and Ann. Brian looked like an older Liam Neeson, and Ann was Helen Mirren. They had brought two cars, thinking the bags would take up most of the room. They didn't.

We arrived at their house, which was a bed and breakfast in real time. They fed us wonderful chicken and potatoes, along with several glasses of wine, and I went to sleep in the first real bed in almost a month. I slept like a baby, a sated, tired baby. In the oirning, we had tea, coffee, toast, eggs, sausage, bacon, yogurt, and general english breakfast food. This was both days. I also watched the British Supernanny and Are you Smarter than a 5th grader.

In the morning, we climbed a fell (hiked), and I pined for comfortable shoes. The view was spectacular, and I took blurry pictures. Ann and I talked about the weirdness of horse people as we descended. We went to mini-stonehenge (really, really old rocks), and then, not two hours after breakfast, we got ice cream. Kessig was next, and I bought several postcards there, a mug, a water bottle, and batteries.

We had fish and chips for lunch. I ate my weight in fatty food, and then was comatose for a few hours. We went home (where they made us tea and biscuits...who are these people), studying, and we were off to Cockermouth (yes.) It's a little town outside of Bassenthwaite (these towns are named so English...ly) with a lot of pubs and restaurants. The host kids and I went and had a pint, chinese food, and another pint in that town. Brian was pleasantly happy, so happy that he rode on the hood of his friend's car for about fifty meters.

The next morning we went to see a little waterfall (after black pudding--crunchy.), got coffee, and then boarded the bus, saying goodbye to them.

Ann and Brian's kids had left the house (graduated) and their pet chickens were all killed by a fox. They only had one left, and they said it was terrified. Even though they had never done it before, I think we had the best time out of anyone. These people are parents. They acted like mom and dad throughout the experience. They were so much like my parents I felt at home instantly. My room was like my room at home.

It made me realize how much I miss home, but at the same time, it cheered me up a little.

Now, to class!

I don't have class today. Mumblemumblemumble.

I'm in the library anyway. It's a nice library. As Lizzle put it, it's a "gingerbread boy Denison."

This morning I was fueled by rage.

Self-inflicted rage.

I woke up much later than I expected to (given the amount of partying I did last night. Sorry Mom.) and had a bite of the fried nightmare that is King Rib for breakfast. I got it for free! They were closing and I ordered some chips and they included that along with two fish cakes. I never turn down free food. Anyway, I then got a coffee at the cafe next to the bus stop (anther one of my favorite places) and waited for the bus like a good little uni student.

With a wet shirt. And it was windy. I should have spent that extra pound to dry stuff.

I make my move to get on the bus and he says "That's not allowed." gesturing to my coffee cup.

"But I'm cold and need to get to school." I say.

"There should be another bus coming soon." says he.

And it drives away, So I decide to walk, warmed by the anger and thirsting for the blood of my enemies.

It was so very cold I bought a University of Edinburgh sweatshirt that, while BRIGHT RED (like the blood my enemies), kept me toasty for the remaining three hundred foot walk to the next bus stop, where I hid my coffee (LIKE A NINJA) in my bag and hopped on the 41.

In other news, I have a puff!



--atop a very expressive forehead. Saint Green would be proud.

I'm going to Shap today at 5:30, a little town almost on the border of England, where the people I'm staying with have three children of indeterminate ages and chickens for pets. This...ought to be interesting.

Totoro has NOTHING on me

This morning, I woke up a little later than I expected. I also felt like there was a squirrel trapped in my throat. I decided to sleep a little more, and left the house at around 9:40.

It was raining. And it continues to rain. Truly, Scotland.

I opened my umbrella and walked to the bus stop, having only a carton of orange juice to keep me nourished and hopefully disease free. I am feeling better now--but this morning, in my shapeless, cozy sweater and scarf, I was not very happy. I felt like Totoro waiting for his cat bus. The rain tapped tapped on my umbrella and I stood looking straight ahead.

Now, I'm in Rainey Hall (otherwise known as the GREAT HALL OMG), vaguely looking over my readings and eating a piece of bread. It is too noisy here. I'll move soon.

I've met people here that remind me so much of people back home that I'm thinking they all have a common ancestor somewhere in Europe. There's also this kid I keep seeing everywhere with a slight cockney accent and a mohawk. So far, I sit alone at the cafeteria. I honestly don't mind.

You can people watch so easily here.

Lots of Bieber haircuts. Lots of people reading books. There's a particularly hot one sitting diagonally from me.

Mm.

At least the Bus Driver was attractive...

Yesterday, the internet was gone. All of it.

I felt a little like an episode of South Park. In the episode, the whole town loses the internet and goes into a state of panic, going from Starbucks to Starbucks trying to find a signal. Of course, the whole point of that episode was to look at life for itself, not whether one can get a signal.

I ended up spending a lot of time in the library because of that. I'm from California. It costs a lot of money to call someone on the phone there. The time difference is ridiculous. I want to know what my friends are up to, even if that does get a little facebook-stalky. What I don't want is to come back to the US and have things be completely changed from when I left. I want updates on my social group, whether they're making new friends, new relationships, breaking off, reuniting. I got a big hunk of news from one of them today, and boy howdy.

I went to sleep at 9:30 PM. There was nothing else to do.

This morning, when I woke up, I was just as tired as if I had gone to sleep at 2:00 AM. Moral: I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get. Internet! FOREVER.

Today, the bus was late, and even when it came, it didn't stop where I get off. I had to walk a whole 100 FEET. God. What a hassle.

Now, to class!

I'm at Hogwarts...

Okay, maybe a slightly less castle-y hogwarts, I mean, the walls are a periwinkle blue with white trim, but I can't help but be excited about it. There are stained glass windows everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And a child who looks just like Paul McCartney just walked through the door. I kid you not I think he's him in disguise.

If I were sneaky, I'd take a picture.

It's a little like Scripps. No, the bookshelves etc are EXACTLY LIKE SCRIPPS. It makes me feel better.

As I was on the bus this morning, I became very excited. I'm going to learn things. I'm sitting in a library that looks like a church. All the funk I was feeling is instead taken up by INSURMOUNTABLE EXCITEMENT.

I'm also going to buy salad things today. That means taking out some more money from my account. Yikes.

I've already spent like $310 or more while I'm here...that means I have about...1315 dollars left. rounded down, that's about £842.62. AAAHHHH.

I'm sure I won't spend that much money as the year goes on. It was just Freshers Week that really did it. I'm feeling kind of resentful about those who said "It's only Fresher's Week once. Get another drink." That's money I can't make back. I CAN'T WORK OVER HERE. I would love to get some money, but the conditions of my visa are just so that all the money I have will not grow.

Aaaargh I want class to start.

Everyone here is wearing scarves.

It's September and I'm listening to Christmas carols.

It turns out that the last post was for naught.

I think the reason why I feel so lonely all the time is because the campus is so spread out. I know it seems I'm ragging on this, but hear me out, faithful family and friends. I'm spending just as much time alone as I did at Scripps. I know about as many people as I did the first week of freshman year. The reason I feel so weird is the same as if I spent a semester at UC Berkeley.

If I were to go to the Motley on a random day, I'd see at least five people I knew or recognized. I'd recognize the baristas. I'd recognize the professors. I'd recognize that chick from Toll who dropped her mug and was embarrassingly trying to pick it up with the help of the freshman who just joined Mood Swing.

At a big school, it seems I spend a lot of time doing what I did at Scripps. Walking around, enjoying the scenery, spending far too much money on headphones and the like.

Last night was fun. Honestly, I spent time with people I wanted to spend time with. I met some wonderful people. With classes starting soon, I'm sure I'll meet even more people who are fantastic. With clubs, everything will happen in time.

PMS is a huge bitch.

Right, so, for those of you who think I am not alive, here is proof that I am. I've been busy with various things, and feeling the post-high angst that I was talking about earlier.

I haven't been doing what I had planned to do. I haven't been going to as many events as I should, or seeing and meeting as many new people as I can. I love the friends I've made here, but I want to make new friends as well. When you hang out with one group of people for too long, you get used to their routine. You don't branch out. You remain in your little Scripps/Uni bubble and stay there until kingdom come.

My roommates (flatmates) are lovely people, but we are fundamentally different. Being from different countries, of different cultures, and of different subjects, we don't see each other as often as I see other people, and when we do sit down for dinner, conversation is strained and awkward. It is the first week, and we haven't started classes yet, but I want us to be more than flatmates. I want us to be friends.

I'm also spending all of my moneyyyyyyyy.

Today I auditioned for the choir, and felt the teacher was judging me for being a dumbass American. I got a bagel and a latte straight after that and they were playing "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback on the speakers. Today is just not my day.

I'm used to Scripps, where everything fell right into place the first day I arrived. People were kind, events were awkward, and the weather was so sunny. I had all my stuff in my room, a hallway full of friends, and, eventually, the Hooligan family. There is very little of that stuff here. Not to say that EVERYTHING IS AWFUL, on the contrary. everything is great. I'm living on my own and haven't died yet. I've managed to

Is it that I feel isolated here? I've already done two or three douchebag moves that I did not mean--obliviousness? Is it that I feel that everyone is so involved in their own stuff, and that they don't want to let me into their social circles?

Waah waah no friends waaahhh.

Like, now, for instance. I'm sitting alone in my room feeling sorry for myself because I haven't made the effort. I'm getting very bored of Fresher's week. EXTREMELY. I've already fucked up so many times that I'm seriously doubting my decision to think I can live on my own.

I am just feeling very lonely and PMS-y and don't want to be forced into any more uncomfortable situations. I'm a friendly person. I make the best of what I'm given. But old fears are creeping back and causing me to react badly. What I'm thinking right now?

Everybody must think I'm the biggest loser-freak in the world.

I miss the USA. None of this bullshit ever happened there.

Once classes start, I'll feel better. But now it's just crap.

AAH YOU GUYS

Last night was one of the best, I think, what in terms of bonding with the locals and others.

I've been feeling kind of weird lately, and not being as social as I can be, but this time I felt like I was getting the feel of the place. I was feeling that way on the morning of the twelfth, and I still felt kind of third wheely. As time went on, I started warming up a little. WE went shopping, I got some milk in a shopping mall, and then we relaxed in the flat.

We went to Potterrow, and had a massive headphone party with Leeann and Fraser and Esmond--after the pub quiz, which I shamefully lost. I knew one of the six power rangers was KImberly, I just thought the others were Seth and Arnold. They were Zach and Joy. Blast! I got to know Fraser and Esmond, and Fraser walked me home. It was very nice. Also--Soulja Boi.

The next day--yesterday? I missed my beginning lecture, but I went to the New College anyway (30 MINUTE WALK--I may be investing in a bus pass) to check on if we had packets or anything. We didn't, but I got to see the closest thing to Hogwarts I've ever had the honor to live in. Holy crap. It's Hogwarts. Seriously. Seriously. Hogwarts. Then I went to the trade fair and met someone from Gilroy.

Julie, Aki and I went shopping soon after that, and groceries were purchased. We had a nice dinner around the table, and then we went our separate ways. I stayed in my room, feeling lonely, but then I decided to grow a pair and head out to Potterrow, I saw some excellent folk music (BAGPIPES) and saw Sonoma James again, and then I met Fraser in the bar. We went to Teviot, where we discussed how different sports preferences were, how ridiculously expensive America was, and eventually headed up the stairs to see two more people from Sciennes and Draco Malfoy. Seriously. He was from Leeds and looked just like him. And then they talked of Prefects. Which made me giggle into a little pile.

Then we sang all night long to a drunken piano player who played Hey Jude like 5 times.

It was amazing.

*THIS IS CRAZY LATE*

Like 2 nights ago, I had a dream that I was playing capoeira on the beach with the Hooligans and some new people. There was a bass behind me who I considered kidnapping and forcing him to sing for us. The boyfriend was lookin' dapper in his capoeira pants, and we both snuck off to the closet, like it was routine. There was also that woman from the Progressive commercials there and a blonde version of AC. It was easily the most vivid dream I've ever had.

I miss America, but not to the extent I will.

Anyway, the next morning we went to Edinburgh Castle and got a walking tour. The guy was obviously experienced in these things, because I passed him about an hour later and he was saying the exact same thing. I broke off from the group and started walking down the royal mile. I stopped in the Elephant Cafe, where there was a ridiculous line and an American in front of me who wouldn't stop asking what "treacle" was.

I was about to sit in the place where J.K. Rowling sat when she wrote the first Harry Potter book, with Edinburgh castle in the foreground, because I am that much of a nerd.

The annoying American sat in the seat I wanted to sit in. Grumblegrumble. I shouldn't call her annoying--I'm being mean. What I should say is, this--don't start a conversation with a barista when the line is out the door and people are sighing impatiently. I then chatted with Rebecca the North Carolinian about how much we miss our boys, and then I registered for class. I changed it so I don't have to make a mad dash for the old college ten minutes after I get out of the new college. They call schedules timetables here.

Two suitemates went to the Ceilidh, while me and Rachel (from Holland!) stayed home. We talked about what it was like to live medically (Callie: stroke is Rachel: Chronic Lyme Disease) and bonded. I then met her Indian friend who told me about their awesome houses in Stirling. Boyfriend? Maybe. I dunno.

I completely forgot about international day, but I'm cool with that. I also lost my freshers guide. Sadness. But I can borrow Julie's anytime, and--OOH! Need to make a calendar.

I'm gonna go to Teviot tonight and socialize, something I came here to do.

*FROM LAST NIGHT*

The parties. Scots. They party so hard.

Like, oh my goodness.

I arrived at the flat, and Julie the Glaswegian was already almost all the way unpacked. We chilled for a while, and then I went off with her friend while she had a job interview. I bought some school supplies and a cup of coffee. I also explained what "Hella sketch", "Mudders" and "dish liquid" meant.

I met some other kids from Scotland, and we hit it off pretty well. We went on Pub Crawl with the rest of Sciennes. That's something you don't see in the states. I guess we don't really have that much of a drinking culture. We can marry before we can sip champagne. Anyway, we got tipsy in the first bar, but in the second bar, they asked for ID. One of my friends wasn't 18 (SUCH A BABYYY), so she couldn't get in. Rather than leave her, we were super awesome friends and went back to Sciennes and had some cocktails (pre-boozed, as the scottish say) before we went to "The Big Cheese", basically, a huge freaking party where everyone is smashed and dancing to S Club 7.

Slightly before that, I won three moose dollars (I don't even know) by sticking my foot behind my head and holding it there. I knew that would come in handy sometime. We also tried singing "Tragedy" in four part harmony (Glaswegian is a music major), but we won them anyway.

She can PARTY.

I then proceeded to go back to the flat and eat a banana so that it somehow got all over the couch. I'm the epitome of class.

from my flat, there is a view of nothing.

Today was the last day of Butler Orientation, or sitting in a room drawing happy things like rainbows and flowers while they told us not to screw up in school. I sat to a nice boy named Dillon, who was creepily familiar to someone else in my life. He was from South Carolina, and even though he says he has no accent, HE HAS AN ACCENT.

I finally got a phone! That was nice.

Now that I officially have my Edinburgh Student Card, I feel weird. I still have my Scripps card in my wallet, so that'll never be gone. Plus, I look like a member of the drug cartel in my photo. All pale and gross. Fresher's Week is also coming up, so, basically, non stop parties. I'm going to do all the touristy things, because they're free. I'm also going to join capoeira over here, and kick the boyfriend's ass when I get back.

Lizzle, Anna, Emily, Rebecca and I explored a graveyard, like most tourists did that day. I saw more people with fancy cameras there than anywhere else. I got sore feets and we had our first fish and chips in an Irish pub. I also had my first Guinness in Scotland.

We also saw our residences! Lizzle and Anna are living in Hermit's Croft, while Rebecca is living in Pollack Halls. Both of them are very nice. I had the brilliant idea of looking at mine--Sheeens, as it's called, and I wasn't disappointed. WHen I say that, I mean it wasn't in a ghetto. It wasn't on the ice planet of Hoth. It was in a random neighborhood. Looking over...the adjacent wall.

I'm excited about tomorrow, though. Finally getting settled in will be nice. Unpacking, I think, will make me realize that I'm actually in Scotland. Haven't yet.

I skyped with the boyfriend today, which was very nice. It was nice to hear his voice.

Today was tiring. I woke up at 2:35 AM because I thought it was morning, but some drunken scotsmen were just having a good time outside the window. Then breakfast of runny eggs, tea, tomatoes (!!) and yogurt, and off to the room where they would explain a little bit about scottih history and talk about safety etcetc. They gave me a laptop case!

A nice scottish policeman explained some things about safety, and then showed us pictures of who was most likely to steal our stuff. Chavs. All of them. I guess there are no gangs who will, as he put it "pop a cap in your ass". Apparently, any measure of self defense one could take is illegal here, including pepper spray. Weed is also illegal. If you smoke it, you'll get expelled from your university, kicked out of the country with no passport, and never get that upper-class american hummer you always wanted.

Lunch of soup and bread.

The tour of Edinburgh was nice as well. I went up to see the Firth and the Pollack Halls. I pointed them out, and felt like an expert. It made me miss Fringe Gang 2007. I should call them.

Best line of the night, by two bros.

"What's that stadium thing?"
"IS IT FOR QUIDDITCH?"

I walked past the Elephant cafe and squeed for a good five minutes.

I had dinner (soup again) in the UK's finest chain restaurant, went out for drinks, and got a milk bar.

I'm getting so poooorrrrr.

BRAGHHAHHAHAA: and why food is the answer

Food. It's a marvelous thing. I was very hungry when these events happened, so keep that in mind.

I missed my connecting flight. Not because the plane was late. Or because it was a confusing airport.

It's because I CAN'T DO 24 HOUR TIME.

The ticket said "13:55" was the time you were on the flight. Okay. Sure. That's...after noon. 1? Alright. So I looked at my ticket (however briefly) and saw that it said "1448". I looked at the departure times and saw that well, hey, 1448 wasn't leaving until 15:35, so it must have been delayed. Cool. I putzed around and explored the HATED Heathrow. I get to my gate, and him my ticket, and he says "this isn't right."

"What?" I ask, bewilderedly.

"This flight left at 1:55. You missed it."

And he points at the number of the flight. 1446. That's a 6.

WAUGHHHH

So after a lot of feeling sorry for myself and writing a bunch of cursewords in my journal, I eventually get to Edinburgh. I realize now understanding James McAvoy is much different from understanding the cab driver.

"So ove tha i a CAAAAHastle! Ho' lung 'er yoo ere fur? Scotland e berrger doon"

"...yes"

But then I get here! Where I'm lonely and introspective for a while, but then my lovely roommate comes and we go out for lovely drinks an have a lot of fun discussing various things about THe Last Airbender fail and Animorphs.

Tomorrow, we explore!

8 September 2010

12:42 PM (4:42 AM California time)

London

As I got on the place I was asked to switch seats. I did gladly. That meant that I had absolutely nothing to do all flight, as my bags were up above. I did get my ipod out of my bag, and my journal, but having no pen it was useless.

I can’t sleep on flights. But back to that later.

They served a weird Indian dinner that was kind of evil tasting, but I nibbled on the sweet/cheese stuff. I then proceeded to watch Surf’s Up and Clash of the Titans.

Clash of the Titans had everyone in it. I mean, everyone who you can’t name but you see in movies anyway. It had the cute Bobo tribute, but he should have stayed in the movie. RELEASE THE KRACKEN. Hades should have been more badass (played by Ralph Fiennes—in his best Voldemort impression.) I recommend Surf’s Up. No joke. It is witty, hilarious, and reminds me of most people I know. James Woods. The Dude is the Dude in everything he does.

Sleeping has always been a hobby of mine, which is why I am so sad on overseas flights. I tried, friends. I tried so hard. I even took a sleeping pill, which only made me stoned. How does one sleep sitting up? I got into this weird fetal position and tried to shut my eyes, only getting weird looks from the brits around me. The only time I remember sleeping was in the last three hours of the flight, which didn’t do me any favors. Of course, I missed the coffee, but I was awake for the yogurt. I AM RUNNING ON FOUR HOURS. MAYBE 3.

The Brit airlines always have a mixed race couple as the parents of their mixed race child. Progressive. Or, you know, I’m horribly underexposed to it.

I also met with someone who claims to be going there as a freshman, but is from Davis. Weeeeird. I didn’t get her name.

I envy people in first class. They don’t have thump thump on the back of their seat, and when you’re ready to scream at the little s#!%head for interrupting the precious few minutes you’re comfortable to sleep, it turns out to be an old man adjusting his knees. Either that, or he was just a bitter old man. There was also a flight attendant from Glasgow. The nice Indian man next to me gave me his shoulder to slump on when I started hallucinating.

Panty pads. Now I’m in London, foggy, rainy London. Just like I left foggy, rainy San Francisco. I’m going to try and find some coffee. RIGHT NOW.

There's a big british flag on that girl's hat.

Here I am in the airport! It's going to be a while until I board the flight, so I'll blog to take up time. There are all sorts of people flying to London--one of which I think is in the same program as me but I'm not sure. I'm in my corner. Watching. AND WAITING.

I cried. Let's be honest.

You know the scene in Return of the King where Bilbo is saying goodbye and Frodo goes with him? I sweahtuhgawd, I must have bawled harder in that movie than any other in the HISTORY of the world. Besides the episode of Futurama with the dog. And the episode with Fry's brother. And Toy Story 3. And the beginning of Up.

BASICALLY

I was sad that I'm leaving for Scotland, because I'm going to miss my friends, my Scripps, my boyfrann, and my family. But then I am INCREDIBLY EXCITED because I'm GOING TO SCOTLAND.

I hope my outfit is warm enough.

EDIT: THERE'S A RUGBY TEAM. OMG.