Food.

I'm going to explore my feelings here for a moment.

I have class at 1:00 tomorrow. A tutorial, which requires very little work on my end. I've read all the reading, meaning I hung out with two of my friends tonight. One of them is going to be my Edinburgh Bestie (TM), I can tell already, but one of them I'm not so sure about. Anyway, I got a little tipsy and walked myself home. I saw it--a chip shop. I needed them to live, just then. It's a hard feeling to explain.

The man gave me more than a supersize order, and I figured, I'm going to eat all of this. And I just did.

I am feeling remorse after eating those.

I had an egg in a basket for breakfast. I had a bit of a tablet for mid-morning snack. Tea and coffee (with milk!), I had several times today. A gin and tonic. A latte. Soup and a piece of bread. Peanut butter toast. Pasta. 2 cans of cider. An eraser sized slice of cake.

Always, I try to rationalize what I've eaten, as if eating too much were some kind of mortal sin. I say to myself, "I didn't have that much lunch today. I'm hungry right now." But then I fear the fat that's seeping it's way into my stomach, into my thighs, increasing my already apparent (read: three millimeter) stretch marks and adding to my cellulite. Successful people don't have cellulite. Beautiful people don't have stretch marks.

I look at my stomach and am disgusted by that centimeter of pudgle, the thing that proves I have fun, and enjoy living,experiencing this beautiful country and it;s heavy, heavy food. I look at my face and see nothing but my cheeks and (not there) double chin. I worry that my eating habits (of now) will catch up to me at some point in the future and I'll be miserable and lonely forever. Because God knows fat people don't exist in the United States...

Jesus Christ. Is this really what I've done to myself? Am I really thinking of food and my twisted relationship with it all the time? Do I really think, if I get thinner (and, frankly, in my body, scary-bony) I'll have achieved some sort of perfection?

I've been thinking this way since I was fourteen.

If that's not messed up, I don't know what is.

this is the sixth time I've seen this dude.

Oh hot guy with a mullet, sitting at the table adjacent to mine
I see you there, staring at your computer with the awesome cover/case--
Are you British, Mullet Guy? Is your affinity for red plaid and hiking boots ironic?
Did you match your ear buds to your books on purpose?
It is alright, Mullet Guy. Keep on being pretty.

(shamefully ripped off)

Bragahahaaaa

I think this is the second post I've titled with an anguished noise.

Today I have a presentation on Sayyid Ahmad Khan. 10 minutes on this great modernist's life and ideas. I will be the sacrificial lamb to this class, seeing as I volunteered (stupid) to be the first one (stupider) to give a 20% of the grade presentation (STUPIDEST).

He will be lenient. He will have mercy. I certainly hope so.

I make it a point to leave the house every day by 9:30 AM, so I can dick around in the library for a while.

I need some tea. Will get on that.

Starting tomorrow I'm going on a diet.

This weekend was an epic weekend.

At 5:30 PM on friday, we all met in front of Pollack Halls to board the bus for Shap, a place that was unknown to most of us, and that I had only googled five minutes prior. The bus ride over was amazingly beautiful, pastoral, green, with many, many frolicking sheep. We got to the car park as I realized I had underpacked like whoa, as I was freezing. We (two other people and I) met our homestay parents, Brian and Ann. Brian looked like an older Liam Neeson, and Ann was Helen Mirren. They had brought two cars, thinking the bags would take up most of the room. They didn't.

We arrived at their house, which was a bed and breakfast in real time. They fed us wonderful chicken and potatoes, along with several glasses of wine, and I went to sleep in the first real bed in almost a month. I slept like a baby, a sated, tired baby. In the oirning, we had tea, coffee, toast, eggs, sausage, bacon, yogurt, and general english breakfast food. This was both days. I also watched the British Supernanny and Are you Smarter than a 5th grader.

In the morning, we climbed a fell (hiked), and I pined for comfortable shoes. The view was spectacular, and I took blurry pictures. Ann and I talked about the weirdness of horse people as we descended. We went to mini-stonehenge (really, really old rocks), and then, not two hours after breakfast, we got ice cream. Kessig was next, and I bought several postcards there, a mug, a water bottle, and batteries.

We had fish and chips for lunch. I ate my weight in fatty food, and then was comatose for a few hours. We went home (where they made us tea and biscuits...who are these people), studying, and we were off to Cockermouth (yes.) It's a little town outside of Bassenthwaite (these towns are named so English...ly) with a lot of pubs and restaurants. The host kids and I went and had a pint, chinese food, and another pint in that town. Brian was pleasantly happy, so happy that he rode on the hood of his friend's car for about fifty meters.

The next morning we went to see a little waterfall (after black pudding--crunchy.), got coffee, and then boarded the bus, saying goodbye to them.

Ann and Brian's kids had left the house (graduated) and their pet chickens were all killed by a fox. They only had one left, and they said it was terrified. Even though they had never done it before, I think we had the best time out of anyone. These people are parents. They acted like mom and dad throughout the experience. They were so much like my parents I felt at home instantly. My room was like my room at home.

It made me realize how much I miss home, but at the same time, it cheered me up a little.

Now, to class!

I don't have class today. Mumblemumblemumble.

I'm in the library anyway. It's a nice library. As Lizzle put it, it's a "gingerbread boy Denison."

This morning I was fueled by rage.

Self-inflicted rage.

I woke up much later than I expected to (given the amount of partying I did last night. Sorry Mom.) and had a bite of the fried nightmare that is King Rib for breakfast. I got it for free! They were closing and I ordered some chips and they included that along with two fish cakes. I never turn down free food. Anyway, I then got a coffee at the cafe next to the bus stop (anther one of my favorite places) and waited for the bus like a good little uni student.

With a wet shirt. And it was windy. I should have spent that extra pound to dry stuff.

I make my move to get on the bus and he says "That's not allowed." gesturing to my coffee cup.

"But I'm cold and need to get to school." I say.

"There should be another bus coming soon." says he.

And it drives away, So I decide to walk, warmed by the anger and thirsting for the blood of my enemies.

It was so very cold I bought a University of Edinburgh sweatshirt that, while BRIGHT RED (like the blood my enemies), kept me toasty for the remaining three hundred foot walk to the next bus stop, where I hid my coffee (LIKE A NINJA) in my bag and hopped on the 41.

In other news, I have a puff!



--atop a very expressive forehead. Saint Green would be proud.

I'm going to Shap today at 5:30, a little town almost on the border of England, where the people I'm staying with have three children of indeterminate ages and chickens for pets. This...ought to be interesting.

Totoro has NOTHING on me

This morning, I woke up a little later than I expected. I also felt like there was a squirrel trapped in my throat. I decided to sleep a little more, and left the house at around 9:40.

It was raining. And it continues to rain. Truly, Scotland.

I opened my umbrella and walked to the bus stop, having only a carton of orange juice to keep me nourished and hopefully disease free. I am feeling better now--but this morning, in my shapeless, cozy sweater and scarf, I was not very happy. I felt like Totoro waiting for his cat bus. The rain tapped tapped on my umbrella and I stood looking straight ahead.

Now, I'm in Rainey Hall (otherwise known as the GREAT HALL OMG), vaguely looking over my readings and eating a piece of bread. It is too noisy here. I'll move soon.

I've met people here that remind me so much of people back home that I'm thinking they all have a common ancestor somewhere in Europe. There's also this kid I keep seeing everywhere with a slight cockney accent and a mohawk. So far, I sit alone at the cafeteria. I honestly don't mind.

You can people watch so easily here.

Lots of Bieber haircuts. Lots of people reading books. There's a particularly hot one sitting diagonally from me.

Mm.

At least the Bus Driver was attractive...

Yesterday, the internet was gone. All of it.

I felt a little like an episode of South Park. In the episode, the whole town loses the internet and goes into a state of panic, going from Starbucks to Starbucks trying to find a signal. Of course, the whole point of that episode was to look at life for itself, not whether one can get a signal.

I ended up spending a lot of time in the library because of that. I'm from California. It costs a lot of money to call someone on the phone there. The time difference is ridiculous. I want to know what my friends are up to, even if that does get a little facebook-stalky. What I don't want is to come back to the US and have things be completely changed from when I left. I want updates on my social group, whether they're making new friends, new relationships, breaking off, reuniting. I got a big hunk of news from one of them today, and boy howdy.

I went to sleep at 9:30 PM. There was nothing else to do.

This morning, when I woke up, I was just as tired as if I had gone to sleep at 2:00 AM. Moral: I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get. Internet! FOREVER.

Today, the bus was late, and even when it came, it didn't stop where I get off. I had to walk a whole 100 FEET. God. What a hassle.

Now, to class!